


Forced Retirement Issues

by RavenShira



Category: Naruto
Genre: Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Good Intentions, Hatake Kakashi-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 00:19:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,660
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15919155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RavenShira/pseuds/RavenShira
Summary: Retiring from ANBU had not been Kakashi's choice, yet here he was. After all the long years in service, drowning in blood of his enemies, Kakashi isn't quite sure how to reintegrate back into society. What was normal, when his first instinct was to go for the throat? To assess the weakness and strength of his comrades as if they were opponents?His friends decide to help him along, each giving their own little advice that Kakashi tries to follow yet doesn't quite know what to do with.Or: How everyone tries to meddle and they accidentally create a lazy jonin that appears late to meetings and starts to read porn in public. Not quite what they intended.





	Forced Retirement Issues

 

Retiring from ANBU was... weird. Kakashi looked at people and considered them as threats and targets first before realizing that they were comrades and civilians. He looked at them and saw their happy mundane lives, joking with each other as if it was another normal day. Maybe to them, it was.

 

Kakashi looked down at his hands and the blood that seemed to forever stain them red.

 

He didn't know what normal was anymore.

 

Maybe people noticed that an integral part of Kakashi seemed to be missing. They skirted around him, even without his ANBU mask on, giving him weary looks. They avoided him, whispered about him behind his back as if his sensitive hearing couldn't pick up the sound, or in front of him with as much distance as they thought necessary, forgetting that he could just as easily read their lips.

 

Kakashi shoved his red hands into his pockets, hiding them from the world and hunched his shoulders. Lazy, people called him when they watched him slink past, his posture carefully relaxed, controlled into minute detail to appear as non-threatening as possible. Gai seemed to be the only one to break the bubble of isolation that surrounded Kakashi.

 

“Maybe you just need a hobby?” Asuma had carefully suggested to him one day and Kakashi had shrugged, but the idea stuck to him.

 

A hobby.

 

Training? No. He was already doing that.

 

Kakashi watched the people, hoping that inspiration would strike him like a bolt of lightning.

 

“You should decorate your apartment” Kurenai suggested. “It builds character.”

 

Decorating? Kakashi went to a store and looked at the things they offered. He winced at most of them, thinking they would clutter his apartment without holding any purpose and would make it more difficult to navigate in case of an attack. Still. Decorating. How hard could it be?

 

Kakashi bought a picture frame, to safeguard one of the only treasures he owned and kept in his apartment: The picture of team Minato, before he was the last one standing.

 

He bought a nail and a hammer and put it on the previously bare wall and stared at it critically.

 

It looked good. But now Kakashi felt at a loss as to what else to do.

 

A hobby. His thoughts kept going back to Asuma's advice, yet he couldn't really figure out what he wanted to do. After watching an old lady knit, he decided to try that, for lack of any other ideas. He bought needles – sharpened them enough to easily stab someone with, just in case – and some wool. He lasted for about five minutes. The wool was in knots and knitting was a mystery Kakashi couldn't care to solve.

 

“You should go and enjoy the hot springs, who knows, you might get lucky!” Jiraya-sama waggled his eyebrows suggestively, grinning like a fool as he tried to ruffle Kakashi's hair, who dodged his hand like a skittish dog.

 

Hot springs. Enjoyment. Could he do that?  
  
The next time he got off duty for longer than a few hours, he went to one of the local onsen. He didn't spy on the woman, which had probably been Jiraya's idea of fun. But Kakashi wasn't in the mood to be chased around by an angry mob. It was... okay. But while Kakashi enjoyed the warm water, he was also quite bored and people kept staring at his face, despite the towel hiding his features. Awkward.

 

“Give us more belly-scratches.” Pakkun demanded and Kakashi snorted.

 

“How is that going to be a hobby for me?” he asked his pug, corners of his mouth twitching upwards.

 

“Simple. If we are happy, you are happy.” Pakkun shrugged in the way only a dog could, fur moving in a full-body quiver. Kakashi let out a little laugh, scratching Pakkun's head and sending him off.

 

“Pick a quirk.” Anko said, pointing a dango stick at Kakashi's face. “It makes you seem more human . People might actually think you are more harmless than you truely are.” Then she followed her statement up by leering at a passerby. “I don't like them thinking me harmless, so I like to freak people out.”

 

A quirk? Kakashi came up blank. Watching people confused him more than it helped. He stood in front of the memorial and asked his team, knowing that they couldn't really answer.

 

“What quirk do you think would fit me?” he muttered, frowning as he slouched with his hands stuck in the pockets. He imagined Rin – always watching, always caring. Then Minato – flashing past, hand rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment when he scared his comrades by suddenly appearing besides them with a sparkle of mischief in his eyes. He imagined Obito – always late, but never due to laziness but a combination of circumstances and a willingness to lend a hand.

 

“A quirk, huh?” Kakashi said with the barest hint of a smile. So he started to watch people in the most obvious ways, watched as they became uncomfortable under his silent stare. He started to appear in random places nobody would expect him to, sometimes behind people, sometimes around corners, occasionally in windows. Then he started to be just late enough to annoy, but not late enough to be punished. Stretching the time, trying to see how far he could take it.

 

It was amusing, seeing other people's reactions. The circle of avoidance shank a little. Not much, but noticeable to Kakashi.

 

“Maybe you should try a book.” The Sandaime mused, looking at Kakashi with kind, sad eyes. “I quite enjoy an evening simply reading, rare as the occasion may be.”

 

A book? Kakashi went to the book store, browsed through the shelves with little to no interest. The books he pulled out with some curiosity were mostly about training and techniques. He didn't think that was what the Sandaime meant. He took them anyways.

 

Finally, in a fit of boredom since normal missions didn't require quite as much effort or time as ANBU missions, and had the additional 'perk' of being given time off, Kakashi decided to enter his Clan compound. It stood empty since he became a jonin, trying to escape the memory of blood seeping through the floor. Now there was so much blood on him that it wasn't quite as daunting to step into his old home. It smelled of mould and disuse, dust gathering on the covered furniture.

 

Kakashi looked around, trying to imagine it how it was when he was a child. Clean, if a little battered, floorboards creaking unless you knew just where to step. Kakashi could move through the house in utter silence, before, but even that had changed. Sighing a little wistfully, Kakashi went out and brought a few cleaning supplies. He probably should have sold the property, but he had never quite managed to make himself do it. There were still memories he clung to and he couldn't imagine anyone even wanted to be in this house. It was on the edge of Konoha, close to the woods but far from the markets or bustling life that made up the village.

 

By now it had become his glorified storage space. Nobody seemed to remember that Kakashi had lived here once. Whereas his home was empty, there were boxes stacked over each other at the Hatake compound. Mementos from old comrades that had been willed to him, weapons upon weapons, scrolls, books, all neatly tucked away in a few rooms.

 

Every now and then Kakashi came back to cleaned the place up. Usually he left quickly, after making sure everything was in order. This time was different. Kakashi lingered, staring at the boxes in contemplation. He stepped closer and then, ever so reluctantly, he started to look at the things people had left behind. Most of the things had hit too close to look at them when he had received them, memories of fallen comrades still fresh on his mind and blood not yet dried on his hands. He had put these things in the house where memories had haunted him, shut them away, unable to bear looking at these things people believed he deserved after they left him. Unable to face his failures head on. His fingers trembled slightly, as he reached for one of the first, most carefully packed away boxes.

 

There was the medicine pouch Rin had gifted him when he became a jonin. Metriculously he had packed it away, making sure no harm would come to it no matter how long it was left in this empty house. The clumsy but painstakingly created embroidery was a little faded, but otherwise the same as back when he had first received the gift. Kakashi let his fingers trace the pattern, heart aching for the girl that could have been great, if she had only had the chance to live. He put it aside, back into the wooden box that had kept it safe for years now, shutting it away again. It was too precious to risk loosing.

 

Next he picked up a pair of goggles. It was a spare pair of Obito's, that he had found in his teammates things after... after. Nobody had wanted to claim Obito's stuff, so Kakashi had a box full with items that once belonged to the Uchiha. Some spare clothes, some katon-scrolls. Knick-knack that had cluttered Obito's room and the photos he had pinned to the wall, Kakashi's face still pasted over with some tape. Kakashi felt a melancholic smirk tug at his lips, as he remembered seeing Obito almost kiss the picture of their female teammate.

 

They would have been great together.

 

Making sure everything was in order with Obito's things, he resealed the box and put it away again.

 

Then he turned to the stack of boxes he had left.

 

Minato's things. Kushina's things. Those of fallen ANBU, who had no family left or had for one reason or another selected him as the recipient. Those boxes he shoved to the back. Some memories from ANBU were still to fresh to rip the wounds open again. Instead he dew the boxes that had the belongings of his sensei closer.

 

Kakashi hadn't really wanted to but he had salvaged what he could from their house. He had to clean it out after their deaths, one of the hardest jobs he had ever taken and wasn't that ironic, with his history as ANBU?

 

All he had managed to do afterwards was put the boxes here, put a seal on them and then forget about them.

 

He hadn't dared to look at the contents too closely, back then. He couldn't even really remember what he had packed. Even now, years later Kakashi could hardly stand the sight of them and what they represented.

 

Gnawing on his lips Kakashi took a breath, now finally ready to go through these things. It wasn't okay yet. It would never be okay that Rin, Obito, Minato and Kushina had died before their time. But he wasn't as broken anymore by the loss. Time had dulled the pain, and maybe he could finally make peace with his past.

 

Besides... there was this blond kid raising hell in the village. Maybe there was something inside these boxes that he could give the kid. He felt guilty enough for not having done more for Naruto, orders or no orders. The blond kid, Minato's son, had deserved better than what he got in the end.

 

With this Kakashi began to open the boxes carefully, slowly sorting through the things inside. There was a lot. Kitchenware with plates, pots and pans to clothing, decorations and books.

 

He picked up a few things of the kitchenware. Naruto would need these things now that he left the orphanage and Kakashi planned on leaving these things for him to find. As well as a few others. There was a stuffed toy that Kushina had made, a bit lumpy and crooked, but it did look like a rabbit. Sort of. It, too, went into the pile with a few other things Kakashi had no use for. Naruto would hopefully appreciate them, even if he didn't know where it came from. A few things Kakashi set aside for when Naruto was older. Scrolls and objects that held meaning, or were simply too dangerous in the hands of a kid. Maybe in a few years he would be able to look at the blond without the constant pain. Maybe he would be allowed to interact with the jinchuriki. Maybe he could tell him about the parents he never got to know.

 

He doubted it, but he hoped for it nevertheless.

 

Finally Kakashi returned to the books, sorting through them for something engaging.

 

A battered orange cover drew his attention first. With the colour alone it would have drawn his gaze, but the book looked like someone had tried to take a knife to it, too. Curiosity welled up and before Kakashi knew what he was doing, he had taken the little book to hand. He looked at the title with a suggestive woman on the front cover, the name Icha Icha Tactics spread over the picture without covering the woman's assets. Kakashi felt his cheeks warm. How had this book gotten mixed up with the rest of Minato's things?

When Kakashi opened it's cover, he did a double-take as the first thing he saw was Minato's meticulous handwriting on the first page.

 

_I tried to eradicate the evidence. I've been threatened with the couch. I lost. Burn it in my stead. I beg y-_

 

The sentence trailed off in a smear of ink, then continued in a familiar bold style. Kushina had always written efficiently, clean, yet with a motion that she also showed in her actions. It was so distinctive that even after all these years Kakashi remembered it, despite only seeing the handwriting a few times himself.

 

_**He is being silly. Live a little and learn by example. Whoever you might be. Bless you!** _

 

Again the script changed. The letters were close to each other, hastily written in Jiraya's slanted strokes.

 

**That's the spirit!**

 

Kakashi stared at the script for several minutes, reading them over again just to be sure this is what it actually read. Then he let out a snort, covering his face with a hand as his shoulders shook. Rusty laughter spilled from his lips, startling him even as he wiped at his suddenly tearful eyes. This was a conversation that happened a decade in the past and yet he could imagine the scene as if it had only happened yesterday, their lively banter and Jiraya sneaking in to leave his own messages in the book. Minato's exasperation, Kushina's wild excitement. They had been so lively, and the words in the book mirrored that.

 

Despite knowing that he was about to see something completely private of his former sensei's life, Kakashi couldn't help himself. As he sat in the small room, surrounded by the things that belonged to the dead, Kakashi devoured page after page.

 

**Minato. Make your wife happy. Believe me when I say, this is the best way to go about it.**

 

Was written next to an underlined part of the book that had Kakashi blushing up to his roots.

 

_**That could actually work. Can we try that? I mean, the logistics are a bit unrealistic but with a bit of adjustment we could definitely make it work...** _

 

_~~Why do you insist on- I can't even-~~ Please. Make this end. _

 

_**Aww, Minato are you embarrassed? Let me kiss it better~** _

 

_I- I'm not! Fine. Yes. Okay. Let's try it. I'm not embarrassed._

 

Kakashi's eyes were nearly bugging out at that point. By chance his gaze drifted to the clock on the side of the wall, wincing as he read the time. Already he was about 2 hours too late for the meeting he was supposed to attend, yet he was reluctant to go. He wanted to read more, have something else replace the blood and gore that haunted him in his waking hours and followed him into his dreams. He bit his lip underneath the mask, his eye flicking between looking at the time and looking at the book.

 

Reluctantly he closed it. His cheeks hurt from smiling, something he couldn't remember really doing for the longest time. For a moment he held the book in his hands, unable to set it down.

 

In the end he put it in his breast pocket. Maybe he would find some time to read more later.

 

With a shunshin he was gone from the house where memories were stored, reappearing on the street. He looked back once, wondering if there were other books like the one he currently carried with him, then turned around to head towards the hokage tower.

 

This was the latest he had ever been, yet he couldn't regret it. He felt lighter as he skipped from roof to roof.

 

( • _\ \\)/)[Icha]

 

He had been send out immediately. It was a reconnaissance mission where Kakashi was supposed to observe a corrupt merchant and act accordingly. If he was a threat to Konoha, he was to eliminate the guy and any co-perpetrators, if not he was supposed to issue a warning.

 

Sitting in a tree, Kakashi couldn't help but fidget. The book was still in his breast pocket, and watching the merchant sleep was... anti-climatic. But this was a mission. He really shouldn't. Really. It was dark, he had no light anyways.

 

This was a bad idea, yet the book was suddenly

 

**This scene was inspired by you guys. Enjoy.**

 

 _Oh my god. No. That happened in our private bedroom. There are lines you do not cross! Jiraaayaaaaaaaa!!!_ _໒(ꐦᓀ ‸ ᓂ )७҉_

 

_**I told him about that, sorry hub.** _

 

**Kushina, are you trying to kill me? He came after me with a Rasengan! Mental!**

 

_**Oh, cool it. I will tell you what he did the other day.** _

 

_Kushina?!_

 

Kakashi pressed his lips together, eyes flicking to his target. This was such a bad idea. It could compromise the mission. Warring with himself, he finally put the book away. He would get back to it at the next opportunity. Maybe on his way back to the village. His hand pressed over the book in his pocket and he swore to keep it save.

 

( • _\ \\)/)[Icha]

 

Kakashi walked back to the village with a little more blood on his consciousness and a little orange book in his clean hands. The guards at the gate gave him strange bug-eyed looks, but at his raised eyebrow they hurried up and signed him back into the village.

 

The more Kakashi read in the book, the more he also became aware of how his surroundings reacted. Women would turn to anger, but his reputation saved him a lot of trouble. Anko broke down laughing, Kurenai just stared at Kakashi as if he had grown another head or two and Asuma buried his head in his hands.  
  
Kakashi eye-smiled at them over the rim of his book, before disappearing behind it again, giggling at another annotation with some graphic pictures. He was sure Minato would die in embarrassment if he ever knew that Kakashi read this book, but he was already dead and Kakashi greedily delved into the memories of the past, the dialogue and the tiny little sketches that Kushina had added. One was particularly inspiring. Kushina had upended an inkbottle over a whole page and somehow managed to make her colourful little sketch coloured and glowing. Kakashi could detect a tiny seal in the drawing, hidden undeath the blots of ink and nearly indisciverable.

 

_**Hey, Jiraya. Just for realities sake, please note that woman have something called a clitoris and are not only there to shove a dick in. If I don't see a woman getting pleasure in your next one, interesting positions aside, I will come after you, chain you down and give you a hands on lesson you will not enjoy.** _

 

 [ ](https://ibb.co/kSyEHz)

 

_**I will fight you.** _

 

**No need. I gotcha. Message received loud and clear. More pleasure to women.       工ｴｴｪｪ(;╹⌓╹)ｪｪｴｴ工**

 

_Kushina?? Hands on lessons??? What do you mean hands on lessons????_

 

_**Don't you worry your pretty blond head over that!** _

 

( • _\ \\)/)[Icha]

 

It became a habit, carrying the little orange book with him wherever he went. It was good for observing people without their notice, and for riling up people and figuring out if there were any other motives hidden in their behaviour. People let down their guard much more easily around him nowadays. As if the simple act of reading porn in public made Kakashi less threatening to them.

 

Kakashi found it useful, and started to make sure to be seen more and more with his little treasure. He also made sure nobody saw the real contents of the book, holding it close to his face and keeping it save. Its place was in a pocket over his heart as Kakashi read it over and over, memorizing every stroke of ink until he could recite the conversations from memory alone.

 

He protected it with vicious determination. And after a close call with an enemy suiton jutsu, he went to the bookstore and got himself a new copy. The little precious book was placed in Kakashi's bedroom, sealed underneath the floor, secure in a box that would even withstand fire or explosion.

 

Now even when Kakashi skimmed through the little new book, he could still recall what had been written on each page.

 

And if the occasional giggle escaped him, people assumed but never really knew the truth.

 

His friends advise was more helpful than he had thought.

Now he had a new hobby. He enjoyed woman in hot-springs even if they were only fictional and had found several quirks. Even his apartment was decorated, a little shelf for his new books had been placed against the wall next to the picture.

 

Life was not okay. But it was getting better.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I've barely finished writing that. I have a fever right now so I hope I didn't overlook too many mistakes. It's not beta'd so any mistakes are my own! Copy right on them.
> 
> Hope you liked it, I wanted to make it longer but I'm drained ^^'


End file.
